Why heal? Why wake up…?

“The world is waking up” I hear this a lot on spiritual pages, some of us are realising we are the masters and creators of our lives, I am learning this daily and starting to grasp the idea… are you?

I am waking up to my truth, that I am responsible for everything, how I think, feel, who I am friends with, who I work for … why do some of us feel like we don’t have a choice?

There might be a huge influence coming from our culture, society and everything thing around us. That all seeing eye.

I felt I was drowning in moments, I had lost who I was… I wasn’t healing … I was dying and my body was in death cycle, so I made a choice, wake up or let them, it or myself kill me.

I could blame the media, culture, country, abuser or world … or I can remember I have freewill and now I´m waking up to the fact that 70% of the stuff I was told as a child was a fear based illusions.

Maybe the influencers have a plan for us and they can only come from a place of negativity, I am lucky to be blessed to have this awareness but how do we share it?

We eat, wash and live in chemicals, everything we use is covered in chemicals, its in our food, clothes and shampoo. It leaks out into our home, planet earth.

How is that allowed? How is it not illegal? 

Mother Nature has a plan I am sure, she is her own energy source and when she’s had enough she let´s us know, but what kind of message are we sending her? You are beautiful you give us so much joy… so let´s destroy her!!! They did the same to Jesus… why is it that we destroy the things that bring us the most joy? Or the most beautiful souls, instead of cherishing them?

I realise now that humanity is no different , how we treat the earth says a lot about how we treat each other. Not all of us. Obviously there are angels on earth too. 

Darkness and Light, it all exists its all inside us, we get to choose. Freewill is our birthright, but we have to see what is not serving us to know what is.

I started to think are we made up of levels ?… physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

Life is a game it’s our own video game, we either level up, fail or try again, we have player one or two but we can only control one, our controller.

We hold the key to unlock our greatness, we might have to go on an epic journey or we might already be on one, stuck to a planet by something called gravity and spinning around a dark universe with suns and moons shining on us, with a mobile phone guiding us, emotionally supporting us and being our entertainment.

“Put the the phone down” I remind myself and connect to the people, animals and nature.

To start to heal I had to start breaking down the pieces I had to start to go into each level. Kind of like a video game and complete each level, and if I failed, I’d try again, but with a cat who gets told daily “ Thank you for putting up with me and my crying”.

Being a kid from the 90s videos games were a thing, playing mortal combat for hours on end with the boys across the street really was a great escapism in my childhood.

We are all here playing a level in our lives, completing the lessons and moving onto the next. Or failing and have to start the level again but with new found experience.

I felt I had to do something about my life as it was getting tedious living a life of sadness and struggle and to be honest boring the hell out of me, why were other people managing and I wasn’t? Or were they? After a bit of shaky few moments in life I have started to break it down and put the pieces back together and start to meet myself.

Life is beautiful….why was I struggling to see it. Why couldn’t I get a grip on my external world or understand it, I didn’t even realise how broken my internal world was … and this is why I chose to start my quest of “healing” “ self development or whatever fancy term fits.

I once wrote this quote “ Life is about balance, finding it is the journey”  as a child I loved creative writing and my dark sense humour has not yet failed me, only now at 32 years old I understand what message I was trying to tell myself.

I realised I had to become my own hero, I have to set myself free from my own pain, all outside of me was uncontrollable but the little girl inside of me needed saving”.

Why? we are the only ones who can. We can set ourselves free from our own pain, misery, unhappiness … No one is coming to save us, but for me doing it myself is the best feeling in the world, be your own hero? why not?

I wanted to break down some ways of understanding the journey I am on that have helped me on the road to healing, I have understood that healing is unique to each person and should be treated with respect and validation.

I love to hear what helps others and sharing our experiences can be life saving, maybe we might help each other by just sharing?

Balance, what does the word even mean in my life? I realise being a libra (the scales), I strive for it , maybe horoscopes are a load of sugar, but I know I strive for it because I have felt it in my whole existence from my skin, bones even down to the core of my soul. That inner voice who stops you from walking down that dark street at 3am because something doesn’t quite feel right.

For years, scientists, gurus and many spiritual folk have spoke about practice….what we practice, we be come better at. What we practice shapes our skills and beliefs in our lives.

I started to realised my time of birth, place and personality traits and my past was trying to telling me that for someone who represents balance, I wasn’t finding it.

I was drowning to afraid to ask for help and too afraid to admit it to myself, my wounds go deep and what was I going to do, give up?

So why start to heal ? Why not just fall down into the darkness? Its so exhausting carrying around all that emotional, mental and physical baggage around, my trauma is heavy and it weighs a lot, I was like a human hurricane but with baggage.

“I thought something is out of balance… me.”

I think this whole life of our journey will be tipping from side to side, I was worried about that but I wanted to find out why I had arrived to a point of emptiness.

Either, I do something or negative patterns go on repeat like a Taylor swift song in my head.

I unconsciously ignored the fact I needed to heal for years, I thought just thinking positive and hoping it will go away on its own was the answer, for my inner child it felt like screaming and no one could hear me by my mid twenties.

When my relationship with myself was so murky and the coping mechanisms were not working anymore, I felt it was time to try anything or leave this place, I decided to stick it out.

If we are more balanced on the inside, maybe I will be able to handle or understand the external (or in my words) the stuff happening arounds us.

We cannot change other people or control them, but we can learn to control ourselves and what we want to do to live a happier life? With our inner voice to guide us.

So, let me tell you a bit about me … and why I have been on this quest to find healing.

I started this life in a violent environment at times unbearable to be a part of, themes of dark narcissism, powerlessness, blame games, poverty and that was just the atmosphere I felt from my cot.

 I was born into a cold, wet ,damp, (we had layers of mould growing the walls of the house in England) no heating, depressed & haunting household.

It was not all doom and gloom, there was also great music playing, Annie Lennox, Phil Collins and even Native American pan pipes. Hip hop, Nirvana and lace curtains blowing in the breeze from our hot (yes I said hot) English summers.

I ran free outside in the woods, jumping in streams, climbing trees… lost in the wilderness, it was the best escapism. Thank you Mother Nature.

I was an observer, I always have been, last to arrive and first to notice. 

Fear already knows me, we go way back but I grew up in it, I studied it, I learnt how to live in it. I love learning but now I learn about self love and not self destruction.

I have experienced many types of abuse & trauma, mostly at a young age, it was only when I got older I realised the effect it had on me, my way of coping was shutting it out, internalising it pushing it so far down maybe just maybe it will dissolve? 

Ignorance is bliss after all, sadly it doesn’t mean it goes away it stayed with me and I was not aware that the mirrors of the past were just getting bigger and the waves of sadness were just getting bigger, with angry surfers, surfing the waves of anger above it.

Self abandonment had become my way of living.

Heal yourself from all that you have witnessed & experienced, I told myself this in 2016 and maybe you can help guide to heal another to their own healing. But maybe write it down as you go. 

So I did 🙂

That is my positive perspective in life, we have all suffered, we are not alone even in that, even in the darkness, others are blindly walking around searching for the light.

We are never alone, we are always connected, and connection will help us and this is something I was not trained in as a child.

Later on in my twenties I became very sick, this for me was my final wake up call, I had been diagnosed with an aggressive muscle disease and at one point my organs were failing. I think after years of trying to forget the past I realised it was eating me up, killing me slowly and painfully… It was live or die at 28? I wasn’t ready to go! I have so much to do … books to write, music to hear, food to try! 

I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually drained.

I was dying… from sadness, from trying to hold it all together like an over packed suitcase.

This blog is my perspective, my words, my thoughts, I wanted to write down what helped me and is helping me today.

I have started to heal myself and educated myself on everything from energy healing, nutrition, Tibetan Reiki, numerology, astrology, types of mental disorders, shadow work, mindfulness, healing meditations, many weirdly wonderful things…

We all have love for ourselves and that is what can save us, it is not selfish.

Self love is our medicine.

How cool is it to be our own heroes? Have that badass reflection looking back like, I got you!

I was carrying it all, how strong I must be really? I was carrying other peoples pain too, I wanted to save and protect people from harm but I learnt the hard way, it is not for me to carry or control.

“Set yourself free, from your own pain”. I would & still tell myself,

Whatever happens in life… we learn… earth school can be a wild, thrilling, ferocious yet tender ride to go on.

I am here to learn and pass through, maybe stopping to take a breath and see how lucky I really am, count my blessings for it all… because without my pain, I wouldn’t understand love.

I wouldn’t have found my way back to writing, back to myself and who I came here to be.

Time doesn’t wait for anyone, everyday is new day to start creating the life I want and dreams do come true, sometimes we forget we are already living them.

I feel free to speak my truth, to finally scream into the void, to let go and to just be.

So, there it is and here I am being vulnerable and opening myself up to all the souls like me who never lost the way, we just got distracted with our own fears, sadness and lack of love for ourselves.

We are all story tellers, if you wanna share your story then get in touch, Id love to hear what sparked your awakening.

Thank you, for reading, thank you for being here with me in this moment, my heart is healing, my body is healing, my power is returning back to me and my confidence is growing… I hope yours is too.

Love, light & so many blessing to you today.

Published by Caz Cosmos

Hey reader. Thank you from my soul to yours for being as curious about my fears and thoughts, about life and its changes as I have been. I am thanking you now as you have chosen to read my perspective, hear my voice and for that I am grateful.

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