Loving Self Awareness…

On the road we called life we change and shift at points in our lives, some more memorable than others.

Those self reflective “ah ha!” moments … “Now I get it!” the goosebumps.

These are my favorite moments, I love to learn.

What I have learnt about self awareness is the key to love and accept the old parts of self or myself.

When I make the decisions to stop something I know is keeping me down or in a low vibration, it takes honest, focus, practice and trust that I can let it go.

If I am not happy with a type of habit, I will become aware, I have the choice to take a step in the direction of it or the direction away from it.

Neither are good or bad to me as I know later on in life ( if it is meant to be let go) I will have the courage to do so, and if not it will pop up again each time louder and more in my face so to speak.

I decided to quit drinking last summer, I just felt it was keeping my vibration in a lower state , I felt so tired and drained even after one glass of wine. 

I thought OK, so stop and have a year off, but in these last ten months I had to detox all the emotions attached to why I drank in the first place? Which I had to learn were not bad or good but more about…

“Is this serving me”? Do I want the repercussions”? From just one glass of wine I felt sick, tired and not connected.

I used to drink as a form of relief or to escape my gifted sensitive feelings, because I love to dance and move my body. Stopping drinking was the easy part , the detox that followed …was not expected. 

The reasons why I drank in social settings was something that caused me the day after serve anxiety and later waves of depression but I just thought this is part of it “normal”, I know it is, alcohol is a depressant for many people.

I have heard many say drinking keeps your vibration low and I had to detox for a while when become attuned in Reiki so I was aware and I found it easy to let go of for a month.

I did not comprehend the amount emotions that came to surface and be released and need to be felt , until I quit.

As I allowed these emotions to surface and parts of my power to return to me, I just decided drinking is not for me, no judgement either, just it´s time to let it go.

Thank you for serving me and all the fun times but I don´t think I want that feeling anymore or again.

I asked myself the simple question ” why”? and the answer was ” I do not want to, I didn’t come here to do things I no longer enjoy. Damn!

I had come to a deep awareness that, what I was suppressing is my abilities to feel in such a deep and profound way around others. I had not met many people who had felt like this… yet. 

I even tried not drinking and going back to just being in the same environment a few times, but it did not work. I felt equally as tired & drained. 

These thoughts & feelings are not to shame or hold guilt on my old self, just to witness her and accept that she has changed, with loving awareness that I may change a lot through life and now I am aware.

Most importantly I have the courage to know what is serving me and to let go of what is not.

To lovingly let it go with gratitude & a sense of peace, I had to grieve that part of me and that was unexpected too.

This is not to say that drinking is bad as I enjoyed it and had a blast, I am sharing this in the hope to remind myself that feeling is more valuable to me than suppressing.

It was one of the gifts, I was not judging myself when I was drinking , I was very present with it, free and not worried, but I started to feel lost when I didn’t want to anymore, I no longer wanted to be out in the crowds.

Instead I wanted to return back to the forest and be lost in the wilderness of nature & my own soul.

I have danced myself across many dance floors, I have left my footprints there and maybe the loving awareness that when the times ready, to leave and go home.

Is that what awakening is? A coming home to who you are.

Accepting it all along the way, with a loving awareness.

These changes have taken places in many areas of my life, not just drinking.

Maybe one day I like apples and the next I won’t … but I can choose to lovingly accept it or not.

It will make the journey interesting whatever I choose. We are always changing, shifting and evolving, conscious or not.

I have no plans or judgment in the right way to go, only the compass of my deep intuition guiding me across this earth & I am grateful, grateful for it all.

I felt my inner guidance system say ” I just wanna treat you better” 🙂

Thanks for reading.

Published by Caz Cosmos

Hey reader. Thank you from my soul to yours for being as curious about my fears and thoughts, about life and its changes as I have been. I am thanking you now as you have chosen to read my perspective, hear my voice and for that I am grateful.

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